Can’t sleep- wide awake

Dear Glamorous Project,

Here I am, lying in bed and can’t shut my mind off to go to sleep. I hate when this happens. Sleep is something I love and always wish I had more of, so nights like this are unbearable for the mere thought that I would really like to be sleeping right now.

It’s not the issue of being glamorous that has my mind reeling but everything else- everything that seems so Unglamorous and out of place right now. I have good days where I am happy with the sacrifices we are making for our future (*cough* living with my parents *cough*) but then I have bad days too. Maybe it’s my pregnancy hormones but today seems to be one of those bad days. Here is what my brain is saying to me:

1. “You have wasted the last 4 years of your life teaching design instead of doing design.” I spend every day with high schoolers who could care less about design and architecture and art while it’s where my passion and expertise truly lies. I have so much fear about quitting and starting to actually do interior design on my own. There are a million reasons I could rattle off as to why I don’t take the plunge, but tonight the one reason I have to take the plunge is winning out; “because it is what I love to do!” I see other people succeed in their own businesses when they take the risk and put 100% into it. So tonight I prayed for that courage and peace. So that I can trust that God will give me the desires of my heart and bless my family abundantly!

2. “You have a growing family and are living in a basement.” Yes I am. And it’s not fun. It is not easy. And I do not want to be doing this. But it is best for my family and our future. When I see so many friends our age buying houses and setting up a permanent lifestyle it is hard to see the positive and rationale in the decision to move. Mostly I just want so much more for my family. I want to be a better wife who is always on top of cooking and cleaning and just seems to have it all together. And I want to be a mom who’s kids have all that they need -toys, clothes, bedrooms… But those things aren’t really as important and the significant as our culture makes them. What is truly important are the things I do offer my husband and kids- time together, hugs, kisses galore, and so much more! So tonight I also prayed for this bit of envy to be removed from my mind and that I have the wisdom to see the truth and value in what I am providing my family.

3. “you need to stick with an idea and go for it!” My husband is too right for putting this one in my head. I have a bit of design A.D.D. I always have a million projects and ideas at any given time that I never just see one idea through and fully commit to it. It’s like I know I have the ability to design logos and websites, and plan weddings and parties, and make cool custom invitations, and make furniture, and paint and give interior design consultations but maybe or SURELY I would have more success if I just focused on one of these instead of all of them. But then the question is which one?! I think I know the answer- the problem is that the one I would choose is the hardest and scariest to tackle.

So my dear blog… Don’t you see what happens when I let my mind loose and let all of the big issues weigh me down! This is precisely why I need to focus on the smaller daily task of being more glamorous, more self confident and then maybe from that these other issues will magically sort themselves out.

Here’s to hoping (that I can now fall asleep ;))

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